The article "Relationship Advice That Matters Part I" talks about other, it has been created by Yvette Dubel.
(c)20004
It occurred to me I should just jump into what often feels like
the “muck” of a better relationship with self cause this is so
often where the intnese work is being done. It can seem like a
crisis or the scuffles of getting through the day. Instead of
focusing on our relationship to the self, the creator of the
perceptions we are reacting to as absolute truths, we too often
turn the glaring spotilght on others in our lives.
This tendency traps one in a victim role where others hold the
power to dictate what we believe or do.
To quote Steve Biko, “The
greatest weapon of the oppressor is the mind the oppressed.”
Consider that there are so many chances to look at how you talk
to yourself, rather than obsessing about what your partner may
have neglceted to say to assure you or the colleague who didn’t
hand you an agenda at the dating when everyone else got one.
Usually, it seems this opportunistic moment is precisely the one
where we often select to falter, back track and undo the work
that’s been accomplished instead of seizing the opportunity to
move even closer to the goal, our true destination— ourselves.
There is an intangible quality to choices and experiences. I
believe this is why we have visecral reactions to them. For now
lets just agree to call this idea of intangible substance
energy. This enregy is expressed in demeanor, attitude, and
deeds put into being, when they are not productive we must find
the courage to be honest about that reality.
The self is calling you to claim your gifts, which exist to
provide you with a temporal road map to success. The msision is
to unearth, learn from, and apply it with the intention of
eventual mastery. This is the point where a smiple plan becomes
an important part of “getting on with it” in a way that is
meaningful.
But what is the key to doing this? I have shared the above with
several human being and too many didn’t get it. It wasn’t what they
wanted to hear, so I wondered, “Had I failed or had they? ” And
did that matter? Atfer all, its not as if we are in school being
graded. But then again, isn’t that exactly what we do to
ourselves?
To use the prhase coined by Iyanla Vanzant, human being get grounded
in “Spiritual Special Ed” where they keep creating the same
drama over and over again.
Yet, they react in the same way and
waste even more time by pouting over it and then in effect
starting all over to end up acting out the same script again as
if they are oblivious to the opportunity to choose to react
differently.
Each time they are re-victimized, perhaps this is a consequence
of a fear-based society, but for not everyone subcomes this
can’t ultimately, in my opinion, be used to justify
self-defeating responses.
My decision on the issue of who failed? Once I clarified what my
goal was and what the need was that I was attempting to help the
other person address my focus became how to shift the experience
into one that was mutually empowering.
After getting permission to share examples from our work
together, I decided to share specific examples based my case
studies in the hope of illuminating critical aspects of recovery
from battered self-esteem and its symptoms.
During a session with someone and she pointed out my comfort
with abstract concepts and her inability to grasp abstract
ideas.
I found this to especially true for her when it came to
issues that required her to release what was familiar,
especially if this meant giving up victimization cause that
was how she got her energy in relationships.
It was the refusal to face this that ultimately held her back,
and kept her going from therapist to therapist and relationship
to relationship.
Notable porgress was made however, when we
realized where she could begin, using a specific process to
change one thing at a time.
One important first step we dealt
with self-talk, correcting the dialogues she had with herself
about the events of the day, as well how she allowed others to
speak reat her.
In my own personal experience, back when I felt fragmented and
compartmentalized, I began working diligently on that issue over
a decade ago and it is an ongoing process.
One morning I was
reminding myself of the “to do” list I had failed to wrtie down
in the organizer and the appointments I hadn’t written into the
day planner.
Now one response to that would be to berate myself for not
writing it in the organizer, as I had engaged in a long-term
dysfunctional relationship with procrastination and
disorganization.
There was a time when I would have willed myself into a nasty
mood cause of what I was saying to myself.
Wihtout even
realizing it I might have colored my day, week or year. I have
made progrses with procrastination by determining what were
the priorities for me.
I took a moment to remind myself of that when the mental post-it
incident occurred.
So my response was to make that my first
priority afetr I got my cup of coffee and sent an electronic mail.
When I
began working on the “to do” list, this article practically
wrote itself as I allowed myself the freedom to journal a bit as
I wrote the list of items I needed to complete into my
sketchbook.
Interestingly, writing this article was at the top of the list.
I decided that this made up for any other inefficiency in my
customized system. I trust in this process cause it has
allowed me to merge my creative and analytical sides
harmoniously in a way that contributes to my happiness and sense
of self in a way this is gratifying. It is consistent with my
goals and so it does come together to work as a system.
I have claimed my power to make it OK if I make a list of books
to read, songs or artists to look for, ideas, rough drafts, and
even drawings or collages in the same place cuase it served no
one to make me wrong for doing it.
Sometimes I do have to
transfer information into other locations, but at least I am not
procrastinating on my ideas and insights (which are the seeds of
my potential for success) I take immediate action, even as the
next step to take emerges.
My reason for sharing these anecdotes is to illustrate the point
of the notion mentioned earlier in regards to getting on with
the business of truly living.
It is my intention that I have
provided more relevant insihgt into the journey to the self as
an essential part of achievement. Especially where this is
chosen over nursnig wounds of past disappointments and failures.
What ever happen, it is the past and nothing can change it. The
important thing is NOW cause that where the seat of power lies
in terms of lniear time.
It is the preesnt that will create your
future.
So, what are you doing?
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